


everything you wanted (and everything you don't)

by besidemethewholedamntime



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, along with some philinda, with mama may making an apperance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 17:59:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14550234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/besidemethewholedamntime/pseuds/besidemethewholedamntime
Summary: There are decisions she wouldn't make again no matter the consequences, and yet somehow those consequences have given her the things she loves now.





	everything you wanted (and everything you don't)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fierysky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fierysky/gifts).



> For Fierysky (@whistlingwindtree on Tumblr) who told me I could do it. You are wonderfully amazing and have such a beautiful personality and thank you for being you. 
> 
> I have never written May before and this was really just borne from a drabble which turned into something more. I had so many things I wanted to try and put into this wonderful character and I apologise sincerely to anybody if I've not done her justice. If there's something I've done wrong then please, please let me know as I'd love to fix it. 
> 
> (I haven't seen the latest episode so I'm sorry if this doesn't fit with it but there isn't that many season-y related things in here so it should be okay!)
> 
> The title is from 'Holding On and Letting Go' by Ross Copperman which I actually didn't think of until 5 minutes before posting this before realising how great the song actually fits. I recommend a listen.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy!

May never says, rarely even allows herself to think it, but sometimes she wishes for a simpler life.

To say she _loves_ the life she has now would be a bit too far, would be a bit too simple, but all in all she’s usually quite satisfied with how everything’s played out.

There’s pain. Of course, there’s pain. And there are regrets and there are things she wouldn’t do again no matter the cost. And lately there seem to be more and more of them, softly stacking up that she doesn’t notice until she really thinks and oh wow suddenly it’s like she can’t breathe.

But she’s okay. She’s Melinda Qiaolian May and she’s _fine._

There are, however, in those moments before sleep that revelations appear, thoughts of how her life might have turned out and, tentatively, she allows herself to follow the thoughts and see where they go.

What if she had stuck to ice-skating?

What if she had never joined SHIELD?

What if she had never gone to Bahrain?

Logically, she knows there’s no point in wondering for these things that cannot be changed – thinking of them and of _what if_ will only hurt her more.

Though sometimes she cannot help it and falls into the downward tumble that only causes pain.

Sometimes, however, she is able to resist and instead she allows herself to think of a life beyond the broken loop.

Maybe a life with Phil, maybe a life where she could just simply grow old and do Tai Chi every morning because it keeps blood pressure low and not because she needs to maintain her flexibility for a life of constant fighting.

A life where she gets to be content and watch her bus kids heal and grow and be the future.

It’s not as though she says it out loud. It’s a tightly kept secret, something she doesn’t admit even to herself. That’s not to say it’s not _there;_ it’s always in her mind but she actively tries not to think about it.

Because they are not children, and they are not _hers._ They do not belong to her, they are not things to be claimed as her own. She can’t, because they all have mothers who brought them into this world and shaped the people they are today in various ways. She can’t, because it might be the end of her to take another child.

That, of course, is not to say she doesn’t love them.

She loves them so much even though she tries not to think about it, tries not to allow her brain to go to those forbidden places. Loving them will not save her. Loving them will not save them.

There’s little pieces of herself in each of them, perhaps in some more than others. The way Jemma fires a weapon, the way Fitz is much less afraid of the field. The way Daisy fights, the way she controls her powers. She taught these things to them, she left a lasting impression and perhaps that was the beginning of her descent into love.

When she first met them, they weren’t children then either, except they were. They were wide-eyed and young and looked to her and Phil to guide them and to lead them (and to keep them safe). They all wanted to so desperately believe that these agents in the levels above them, these veteran SHIELD agents had everything well in hand, and that they only had to worry about what they were told to worry about, do what these older agents, these ‘experts’ told them to do. Because they knew everything and they could save the world.

Sometimes she looks back at those wide-eyed children and misses their naivete. It meant that nothing so bad had happened yet that wasn’t reversible, nothing irredeemable had taken place that meant they had to harden and wisen up or risk not making it.

These children needed her, and maybe in a way she needed them too. She needed something to fix, needed something to put back together since she couldn’t do it to herself.

If she takes a step back and looks at her handiwork, she’s not sure of what to think.

Fitzsimmons don’t need her anymore. They have each other to call home. And in a way she’s glad, because something’s worked out for them and they’ve come so far from those two non-field agents she met on a plane all those years ago. They have each other in a way they’ve never had each other before, and in a way she’s sad because the job being done means that the job is finished.

Daisy doesn’t need her anymore, or at least not in the way she used to. This girl has a special place in her heart, because, even though she would never utter it aloud, she would be more able to admit this once-girl could be hers in another world. Because aren’t they two halves of the same broken heart? Wasn’t Daisy looking for someone to love her as a mother loves a child, and didn't May need someone to give her love to once again?

 This girl who when they first found her knew nothing of what it took to be a skilled fighter, a good leader, is now well on her way, if they break the loop, to becoming the new face of SHIELD.

And May is not that self-doubting, she knows which pieces of Daisy are reflections of herself, what she gave to her. But lately it feels as though she has given her everything she is able to, and the things she needs to learn now are only what Phil can teach her, only what leaders can pass on to the next generations, only what fathers give to their daughters.

She feels redundant, as though there’s nothing left she can give these pieces of her heart anymore.

If this is what she feels, with those children who aren’t and were never hers who now no longer need her the way they once did, then how do normal mothers survive it? How do they ever let their children go?

Then there is the man who holds a part of her heart she doesn’t ever remember giving, but one day realising that now suddenly he had it even if he didn’t know it. This man, who since day one she has been here to protect, who’s unwavering faith in the organisation which brought them together makes her want to believe, who’s optimism is infectious and who’s love and loyalty give her the strength and conviction to keep fighting what already could be a losing battle. This man who she _loves._

As if that already doesn’t say everything that needs to be said.

This is why she doesn’t think of _what if’s,_ doesn’t think of the _could have been’s_ because then she has to ask herself the question of _would you give up everything you have now for the chance at what might have been?_

To never know these people who she now considers to be her family is something that wounds her far more than any weapon ever could. To have never known SHIELD, to have never known her ‘bus kids’, to have never known _Phil_ …

To have a life in which she’d never know these people that, although she would never admit it, fixed what was broken within her, gave her back those parts of herself though to have been stolen from her forever is a life she doesn’t want to know. No matter how normal, how _simple_ an alternative might be.

To say she _loves_ the life she has now would be a bit too far, would be a bit too simple.

But the truth is that while there are things she wouldn’t do again no matter what, she’s here now where she is because of those things that have already happened and cannot be changed, no matter how much she might wish it to be so.

And she can ignore the past and she can bury its pain and pretend as though those decisions made lifetimes ago haven’t influenced every single choice since but in the end, it doesn’t go away.

Because it happened and it hurt but it gave her the things she has today. The things she _loves._

It’s time to stop looking to the past, to stop wondering about everything that might have been _if only._

It’s time to start looking towards the future, to tomorrow and all the days that come after.

It’s time to let go.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to leave kudos/comments. Please feel free not to. Either way, I hope you have a lovely day!


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